First, the eulogy I have only just now been able to write,
for my husband who went to be with Jesus January 16, 2018. I am almost whole again. Yes, it is true, I have been defined by a beautiful word most of the prior 23 years before this one. The word is exquisite. It is full of everything a woman comfortable in her own skin feels when loved in equal measure by someone she loves. There is nothing that compares to feeling like this – nothing. It is born from a simple touch by one who exudes trust with every smile, tear, word, lyric, touch, kiss, intimacy, and commonality of faith in our loving Creator. It has been my pleasure and my honor to love and be in love with John.
On this, our first anniversary apart (New Year’s Eve 11:45 p.m.), I can still close my eyes, and feel exquisite from memory. The Lord gets the glory of this thing He defined for us; this thing called marriage. In this I have been blessed beyond measure. With each passing day I feel John’s presence a little less. I have felt my Mamma’s presence every day since her passing, but not so with John. I sense beyond about a dozen dimensions, that he is happy and very busy. I should not be surprised that The Lord would have lofty uses for my Marine in the Spiritual Battles waged in Heaven above. I imagine John as nothing less than a Colonel. His faith was alive and real every hour of every day.
Moving on to the here and now.
I am happy and at peace. I have odd thoughts of a new chapter in my life beginning soon. I am a little afraid. The only chapter I got right in my life was the last one with John. Before that – before the healing of Juanita through our Lord and Savior – I was broken and unable to pick a man to be my husband who was interested in the long term with me. I remember concluding that I must not be lovable. Oh, what a sad feeling that was. But, The Lord knew better, and healed my heart and soul. I just need to remember to trust in The Lord’s plan for my life – harder said than always done. I know we are each here for God’s glory.
My spine doctor managed to avoid the comparative MRI results of my spine – 2018 MRI vs. 2015 MRI – for a few visits, but we finally broached the subject. The words I was left with in my mind are “awful mess.” The words he used, in obvious hopes I would let it go, were ‘a lot of scarring, a lot of wear and tear, and much degeneration’. Well hell, I guess if you have Degenerative Spine Disease (as well as RA, OA, Fibro, Neuropathy, and IBS) for forty years, much degeneration is to be expected. The week before my PCP had called up the MRI on the screen to assure me that the results were in. He looked at the screen, my face, and quickly shut it down. I had not seen the “awful mess” picture before, and now know why no one ever shows the film to me. As a lay person, I cannot get the words “awful mess” to go away. But, I am still a tribute to my stubbornness. I walk, take good care of myself, my dog, and my belongings. I think I enjoy my roadster convertible so much because with the wind in my hair, I feel like I am running; and when the music is good, I am dancing.
This last few weeks I have had unexpected feelings of joy just bubbling out of me! Joy, my old friend, did not abandon me after all. I think my beautiful and talented Grandgirls have had a lot to do with this. They are both an awesome blend of their mamma and daddy. I admit that one of them is a mini-me! Well, she is the me I would have been, had I been raised in a less stressful parentage, and much more nurturing. I love them both with every fiber of my being in such a special way that I had never hoped to have with grandchildren. Sadly, because of the continuing war between their parents, my other three older grandchildren have been weaponized by the situation with their parents against me. Their father because I am my daughter’s mother; and their mother because if she cannot have them, then no one else can either. I pray for them every day, for their war wounds are obvious, and deep. I love my daughter, and my grandchildren from afar. I have been wondering if what The Lord has in store for me on my path has to do with helping broken families in some way, since I have come to understand so many dynamics in this field of study.
Well, my goodness, I sure did cover a huge field of HAPPY NEW YEAR. I am getting things out in the open to begin the New Year right. I don’t believe in New Year’s Resolutions. They are like laws that can only condemn when we fall short of the mark. Last night at midnight I asked my Grandgirls to tell me one of their dreams for their future. I told them that this is what we will do each New Year’s Eve from now on. They didn’t take it very seriously, but as the years go by they will get the hang of it. I pray they continue this tradition into their adult years, and beyond. Dreams make our world go around and around in hope, love, faith, and joy. God bless you today and always.
You may quote me in these thoughts,
Texas Lady Juanita
Copyright © 2019 by Juanita Holloway-Walters