Category Archives: Widowhood

IT IS BIBLICAL ~ JUNE 5, 2020

TEXAS LADY JUANITA

No sooner than I started writing again, I became KO’d by some predictable medical crap, and then a monumental heartbreak which has had a choke hold on my writing. Then I discovered something for the umpteenth time, the best way through it is to express it.

First, and least important, I hit one of my slumps in kicking the butts of my 5 degenerative diseases. RA seems to only come second to Degenerative Spine disease. The nature of my diseases does not lend itself to striking out to be a social butterfly and making new friends. My late husband instilled one idea in me that stuck – “It is what it is.” Life goes on, and I endeavor to concentrate on the many blessings I am thankful for.

Second, and of supreme importance, a favorite family member took his life a few days ago. My heart breaks for his Mamma, for we are not wanting to outlive our children. I cannot imagine the size of her grief. I usually have no trouble talking, but I have no words compassionate enough. I cannot possibly know how she feels for it has not happened to me. She lost her husband, who was my brother Rudy, a little over a year ago; and this feels too close to process.

A year before I lost my brother, I lost my John. I know how this is tragically too close. Shortly after losing John, my oldest attempted suicide. I am not desensitized. I am absolutely the opposite of that. I just keep losing people, and the pain is almost unbearable.

In my family, and extended family, over several years, have been four Generation X suicides, and the one attempted suicide. Most left behind young children, and family who are still struggling to understand. Those who do not leave a note behind generate a particularly perplexing brand of heartache. I seem to not only mourn the current loss, but mourn the cumulative loss of the five young (to me) family members each time . . . and I have been searching for the why of it.

Generation X has some unique statistics which may explain why these beloved family members would choose to check out before their lives had a chance to blossom in many ways. They will never gain the perspective we gain when raising a family through to adulthood, seeing a career through to retirement, and the safe and secure feeling one has with a spouse of 20, 30, and even 40 or more years.

Statistics show that Generation X is the first generation since the Civil War to not do better financially, or in status to the community as the generation before – Baby Boomers. Whatever we Baby Boomers have that made us so dynamic has skipped a generation and is showing up in the Millennials (Gen. Y). Today, tech empires hire people 30 years old and younger, skipping Generation X. No one is willing to commit as to the reason for this, except to say that there is an air of despair in so many Generation X.

It is my opinion that like so many severe government budget cuts that affected Generation X’s education, they instinctively know that it will be their generation to pay into Social Security, but never receive a dime of it back. No one knows this for sure, but they know how to add and subtract, and read the writing on the wall. Eventually some generation will have to take one for the team. But the Generation X team have not been merry savers. Many will never retire, but work until they are incredibly old.

Being full of opinion today, I think it is also about excuses. Baby Boomers were excessively disciplined by The Greatest Generation. After all, the Greatest Generation lived through the depression and WWII (as we were reminded of frequently). We Baby Boomers may have let our offspring off the hook for bad behavior by demonstrably loving them, NO MATTER WHAT. By the time they figured out how flawed their parents were, they did what we always let them do – make excuses, therefore it will always be our fault. I am speaking of myself directly and any other Baby Boomers who loved their children no more or less than my parents or grandparents ~ the difference is that the Greatest Generation perhaps were more constructive disciplinarians than their children would be.

I searched the scriptures for help, and decided with Proverb 18, that The Lord understands the dilemma of my heart ache. “Proverb 18:14 The spirit of a man will sustain his infirmity; but a wounded spirit who can bear?” If our spirit is grounded in Christ, we will survive the emotional losses; but if we are not grounded in Christ, our grief is unbearable. So be it, I choose Christ every time.

I then searched the scriptures to lift my spirit and found none better suited for redirection, and to the enormity of my heart ache than my favorite:

“Philippians 4:4-13
Rejoice in the Lord always: and again, I say, Rejoice.
Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand.
Be careful for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.
And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.
But I rejoiced in the Lord greatly, that now at the last your care of me hath flourished again; wherein ye were also careful, but ye lacked opportunity.
Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.
I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: everywhere and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.
I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.”

Yes. Amen.

Copyright © 2020 by Juanita Holloway-Walters





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MY MUSIC

There it is inside me;
I hear the music
that is the expression
of who I am.
It becomes more difficult
as age disguises me
to reconcile this broken body
with my inner music.
When I was young
my music commanded
the whole world
to see my symphony.
It is becoming easier in time
to be alone with my music
feeling every irregular phrase
of my very intimate rhapsody.
Will I never feel exquisite again?
A beautiful duet forever gone;
leaving me ever wondering
will I never again be me?
When I think of harmonizing
my life with an unknown new tune,
I feel my eyes reluctantly opening
while my song slides into the blues.
My heart yearns for the me
of a heart full of life’s light,
so beautiful, and so very bright –
of the symphony of my youth.
I dream to be a softly precious thing;
my heart strings tuned to sing
a consistently beautiful melody
looking for the most perfect tune.

Texas Lady Juanita

Copyright © 2020 by Juanita Holloway-Walters

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A MEMORY COMPANION

He thought enough of me
to converse a thousand
kinds of conversations
over thousands of days.

He thought enough of me
to break bread a thousand
kinds of epicurean delights
over thousands of meals.

He thought enough of me
to court me every day
with romance and love
enough to fill a fine book.

He thought enough of me
to make millions of memories
very sweet and love true
over millions of moments.

He thought enough of me
to vow before almighty God
to love, trust, and cherish
until death we do part.

How do I finally say goodbye?
How do I redirect my vows
from my forever true love
to any possibility of other.

My heart yearns to turn
the dimension of time
infinitely backwards
to my comforting memories.

Now it has become painful
to bottle up the thousands
of leftover I love yous
trapped in my heart.

I have become lonely
since he went to be
with The Lord above
who loves us completely.

I will confess to His Spirit
my forever true Friend
who lives deep inside
my forever soul and spirit

I find as time goes by
a million unstoppable
new thoughts and feelings
bubbling up inside my heart.

I dream of an imagined love
who converses and dines
with a different sort of me
making memories anew.

And I wonder is it possible
from our Creator, above
to have in His plan for me
another memory companion.

Texas Lady Juanita

Copyright © 2019 by Juanita Holloway-Walters

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BLUE WIDOW

by Texas Lady Juanita

Whatever will I do
To stop being so blue
About my sentiments true
Of left-over love for you?

The best love I ever gave
In my entire blessed life
Not ending at your grave
My being your faithful wife.

I dream of you passionately
Of trysts stirring deep in my soul
Of realities I created magically
Of fantasies I do happily extol.

At death we did truly part
New memories at an end
But the vow etched on my heart
I now know I must surely rend.

For marriages have no heavenly face
In scriptures there is truth of His place
You are now in God’s dimensional space
And I am still on Earth by His holy grace.

With my abundance of extra love
In loneliness, what shall I, must I do
With The Lord’s blessings from above
And endless possibilities ever anew.

Please do not jump to conclusions
There are many types of loving joy
Likened to myriads of love transfusions
Life’s positive building blocks we employ.

Copyright © 2019 by Juanita Holloway-Walters

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